Been a while. I've been trying to keep audio logs for my own personal use as a substitute for these notes. I figured it was easier, more enjoyable and would serve a bigger and more accessible purpose to keep me in high spirits. One thing I did not take into account was the result. I think I've made it clear to a few people at points in my life that I hate my voice. That being said, using a tape recorder as a means of journaling my self was a terrible idea. So it's back to plain text pad and it's variants.

I've taken this school semester off. Some of you may know this, others may not. Those of you who are in the latter, you are now part of the former. I don't see this is a terrible or miserable choice. I've gotten a few raised bows, inquiries and head nods when I tell people. But for what it's worth I am happy. Let me elaborate.

When I made the choice to take a semester off, I wanted to do three things.

1) Become a better writer
2) re-learn german
3) Get more hours at a job
4) learn an instrument (this later became drums)

So far, I've had moderate success with 1, zero progress on 2 and 3 and sky rocketed with 4. This is the focus of this entry. I've dedicate a lot of my time to drums, and the power they grant you with is rather intoxicating at times. But learning the drums has been a bigger part than I thought it would be. With my sights set on drums. I immediately went out and bought a drum set, which was probably one of the greatest and worst ideas that I cooked up, but I'm known for jumping the gun. My pal Brian (Bates) and I put it together, thus injecting them with sentimental value.

(for you drummer techs. They were Cb cannons that came with 3 toms (small, med, floor) a bass, a hi hat and a crash, all for the low price of 350 bucks (sticks and instructional DVD cost an extra 20, so really 370)

At first. I was reluctant to play them, I did not want to play them. They were ugly. Cheap and ugly. The set took up most of the space in my room, I felt uncomfortable with the sticks, and I had no clue where to start (the DVD helped a little, but not enough). I'd felt more satisfied if I had ripped up my money and fed it to fish at a pet store. However "getting your moneys worth" came packaged with "jumping the gun" . I was still driven to learn the drums. And this leads directly into. Jules Radino.

Who is Jules Radino? For those of you who's ears I haven't chewed off yet

He is this man

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bwMj3PYo6aI

You may notice in the info box it says "blue oyster cult". That is because, my enduring reading friend, he is the current drummer for that band. Yes that is not a joke. I was surprised by this myself. Like sitting down only to find your seat is made of platinum. It felt like destiny took time out of it's smoke break to tell me Jules was the teacher for me.

I've been taking lessons for nearly two months now with him. He is in fact a very cool dude. I'm happy with him and I'm more than positive that he's happy with me. I'm probably the only student of his that's not in 5th grade who can have musical discussions with. I had also trained myself a bit with the DVD so he didn't have to go through the boring rudimentary lessons plans that most music teachers offer and trudge through.

I also make him laugh, a lot, as is my wont. He liked my drum puns, Rick Allen impression (rather easy to do) and my eagerness to actually want to learn drums (even if I can't play a whole song yet). According to him I'm actually doing more advanced stuff than he would have recommended to anybody. My ego at this point could choke Evil Knievel.

But that's what I've spent most of my time doing. I'm starting to see a future in drumming, if not the big times, than at least something to keep me busy and reel in a few bucks here and there.


Also I'm moving to Connecticut in June-July. More on that next entry though.

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As in it's moving, but it's not going much of anywhere. Normal I just sit around the computer or X-box and fool around when I'm not at school. seems like if I'm not working on the weekends, I'm doing those two things. I can tell you working on the weekends is an awful idea. It seems like a cool thing at first. You get all the weekdays off to do whatever you want. But then you get to realize that everybody has weekends off and you're left out most of the time so I'm left out in the cold doing nothing, which bring me to my next point. Writing.

I said I wanted to be a writer. I really want to be a writer. I have every reason to be a writer. I have the ideas, the tone and the know-how. But as of now, I've written diddly squat. I lack motivation, that kick in the butt, that force that hauls me along for the ride. It sucks because I have so many ideas but I can't sit down in one spot and just write. I think this is coupled with the way I'm looking at things. I tend to look into the now, once in a while I'll look a few weeks ahead, but I never think in terms of years. I'm asked that question often by teachers and wayward adults. I was never able to answer that. I have a habit of being too cautious. What if this happens, what if that happens what if what if what if. That's all I think about.


This problem has been with me since I was a child though and fuel is still being added to the flame. I've lots a lot of people. and I mean a lot. When I was about 4 years old I had two friends, Patrick Lemeamy and Aaron. Aaron moved away to Oregon and Patrick somewhere else on the island. All before I was even six years old. I had no friends. Elementary school was the same way/ I had very few friends because I was a wuss. Dan D mark Montanti, Trevor fisher and Matt Strebel. That was it. That was my entire list of friends. We were good buddies, friends to the end. Still some good memories floating around, but a lot of it has been lost overtime.

Then came middle school. It was around that time that we started to go our separate ways. I guess we just lost interest or just stopped caring. Then I Met Derek and Pat, and we became friends nearly instantly, all from playing spit together. That was pretty neat-o.

But then came high school. High school is what crafted me into what I am today or at the very least had large part. It was where I got my sense of humor. My top 3 fondest memory comes from living theater where I got my very first laugh, and not with a cheap joke either with a joke I made up on the spot. Without Living theater I would probably be dead because of some Emo suicide bullshit. I thank whatever higher powers
it didn't come to that.

But living theater also introduced me to another aspect. Girls.

Susa Teitijin. The German foreign exchange student. She was hot. And I mean really fucking hot man. I won't excite you with details, but man she had a thing for me when she saw me doing living theater. She was the first girl I really loved, and I thought all was going well. But, she moved back to Germany. I think that really stung me in the sweet spot, becaue after that it was all downhill from there. Anytime I thought I liked a girl, turned out to be petty, infatuating waste of time, and when it was legit the girl was already in a relationship, or some drug/alcohol addict.

Then it got worse. Living theater was on the decline because it became polluted with Ms.Previns psycho kids that just ate all the food, did unfunny things and embarrassed everybody. Really wished I socked one of them in the jaw. Then it died. I hated that. I really did. It wasn't fun anymore. Everybody was looking to me to hold up the club since I was the only funny guy there. (okay and Derek too...happy Derek?) and it became too much to bare. Then when I graduated. It was no more. Like putting an injured animal out of it's misery.

Then came college. Everybody left. Everybody. I had no one to talk too. Any relationship or friendship I tried to start in college only worked for that semester and went no where and we'd never talk to each other again. The one relationship I did have going for me where I girl was interested in me and I had fun with, went nowhere because I didn't feel the same way about her. It was really a sad thing.

Then comes the topic of my brother. I never trusted my brother, never have never will. This comes from the fact that my family is not really a family. I feel it's more along the lines of a hostel of strangers living with one another. We don't bother each other and just do our parts. My Brother though, was never around. He was always the extrovert person that you would want to hang out with. And Hang out he did. For nearly all of my teen years he was never home and always out with friends. Whilst I rotted away in my room locked away staring at the computer. My whole family didn't bother with me, I didn't mind at all. I was just another cog in the machine. Doing my part just like the rest of the family. But my Brother had a realization. Actually it was more of a feeling./ He got tired of hanging out with his friends all the time so he decided to spend time with the family. A broken family.
He told me he wanted to be all brotherly love with me because he had seen his friends have a good relationship with their brothers and sisters and wanted the same thing with him and I. I said "no way" He leaves me out in the cold and now he acts like nothing had happened and now that the party is winding down he thinks he can invite me in for for desert. HE apologized...a lot. But I'm really just thinking he's doing it so he can be seen as the good guy. That's his niche. His friends have a problem and he helps them solve it or offers support. Most of the time he is right and does help them. That fact has to of crept into his mind that things work out, just like in the movies or children shows. That if you apologize and are honest everything will work out. But I still have that dark spot from all those times where I was really upset, and really needed help or just wanted to spend time with him and I was shut out. Sometimes by force, and if his friends and I got along without him being involved, he would say I was "embarrassing him". But that was the only time he and I ever hung out together, when he was with his friends.

And now he's in Waterbury doing his acting thing. And I have to say I really like it when he's not around the house. No more guitar playing at 2 in the morning, no more banana peels and apple cores being left out, no more terrible stank from vinegar or whatever weird thing he was eating. And I have a lot more time to myself to just think. Of course I get a lot of criticism that I'm being too stubborn. I most likely am, but this is how I feel and I don't feel guilty about it.

A lot of things have been bad, yeah they have. Even now I feel like Derek and Pat are drifting away from me. They've been too involved with college which is good for them, at least they're doing something. However I did talk to Pat though a little while ago and I have to say it really did feel good.

That's all for now.

Catch you in another few months or so.

is about as fun as a four peckered goat. I think today I realized that. Labor day this week was an atrocity. Nothing happened and what did happen didn't last very long because I thin we chose the wrong thing and time to do it. All day I was grumpy, non-responsive and playing gears of war.

Though I should suspect these kinds of days ahead, boring lifeless days. With most of my friends back at their colleges working their asses off for school and to make a decent campus living, meeting new people. I'm stuck in a stagnant puddle where I stare at the wall and watch a spider crawl thinking "I wonder what it's thinking right now".

It makes me think back to all the lost opportunity I had back in high school for a relationship. Yes most of these woman were either dumb, or psychotic, but at least they would be a story to tell or to at least say "I did it". But nope, For years now I've been single and I'm paying for it. I barely know what's romantic or sexy or the right things to say to a girl so that maybe we can be more than friends.

And I can't stand it. I've always been the friend, the guy to hang out with and laugh with; which I do like and hell I've even given successful relationship advice to couples whilst I've yet to "bag one".

It also stems from the fact that I have really shitty luck when it comes to woman. I'm like Owen Wilson in wedding crashers when he's having a great time with this girl he just met and she's loving it, then she says "this is my boy friend". That is me. I'm Owen Wilson getting rejected.

Though recently I met a girl that I think I'm in tune with, I just really really hope it works out.

Hippies.


Damn, hippies. I hate hippies. And here is my reasoning.


When the hippy revolution started. They were fighting a war. a war on the very way we lived as people. They waged war on money, the working class man and the whole ideal of capitalism, socialism and other forms of government. For what? to spread the message that all you really need to do is love yourself and enjoy the pleasures in life. They did this by giving out free food to people, taking drugs, have sex with multiple people (or just one whatever they chose). They used raunchy words and dressed how they wanted and some chose not to take baths either. They even went so far as to make a "free store" where you can walk in and take whatever you wanted without paying. They most well known place for their gatherings was at Haight street in San Fransisco and they were all over that place.

But what happened? the idea just didn't fly, their ideals were ultimately proven unable to function in American society as some fell ill from drugs, lack of home and medicine, beatings by police and other people, amongst other reasons. So after the revolution, most hippies got a job and started families, others tried to keep the wheel of hippies going (with little success) and others just did their own thing or just became homeless.

The ideal still exists today where people call themselves hippies and live the hippy way.


These are the mother fuckers I despise. Basically the word hippy is another way of saying "I don't feel like getting a real job nor doing any actual work, however I will interfere with other peoples lives"

The hippies' time has passed over us and now we're stuck with wanna-bes (some original hippies) and those that take the title just to make them sound a bit less pathetic and also so they can use drugs.

The other day I was at work when one of these hippy fellows came in and started talking to me about the hippy ideals, how our store is just part of the problem because we charge for our products and his other vegan ideals. this went on for like ten minutes with me just nodding and saying "okay" a lot. I'm not sure he noticed or just didn't care, but he eventually ended up just buying basil and offered me to come with him after work to smoke with him (I refused of course) and as slowly as he came he had left. It didn't bother me until recently, no clue why. Guess it was probably because I didn't know we had any hippies on the island.


And there it is folks. I hate the hippies, the old ones for giving birth to the new ones, and the new ones for being slackers and jerk-offs.

I've been looking at an old forum I used to go to. Moorim was it's name and looking at all the topics we had and everything I said. I can't believe I would say stuff such as that. For lack of a better term everyone on there was a loser. Some still are. But looking at that made me think about how much I've change in just 2-3 years. And it gets me wondering what other changes I might go through in the same amount of time.

Still it's still cool to talk about with my friends what we used to do and all the bogus argument we used to have. We all thought we were superior. Some of us those really have not change in the slightest of ways from back then.

Man, well today was my first time doing register which isn't the meat of this story.

But I had to hand a guys change back (which was 7 cents) but I blanked on the math in my head for about 3 seconds. Then of course the customer has to say something. Which I'm cool with but this guy just took it too damn far.

"Seven cents man, come on you can't be THAT stupid, I hope you're not planning on leading my country in the future, you're almost as smart as our president, in fact that's the perfect job for you" All with a big fucking smile on his face. You know what buddy? when you stop mixing cement maybe then you can talk trash to other people.

I'm fine with a joke but fucking christ, there's boardline between joke and just being an asshole. Knowing when enough is enough is a very useful and respectable trait.

And just as a side dish, you know what else I hate? people on face book, myspace or anything similar constantly changing their photos of themselves daily, from them at parties to them with other people. It's real great that you're having a good time but keep it to yourself. Nobody else wants to know how many shots you drank or how many parties you went to, much less see it, douche(s). Then again I'm using livejournal.

But on the bright side, it was pretty dead at work so I had an easy time with the register, it was just myself and the other girl Brittney who's about 2 years younger than me. We essentially just joked around and talked, the highlight of any job.

I give this day (now yesterday) a 6 out of 10 on the Marlin Waynes scale of suckatude (1 being Marlin waynes (the worst))

I've been pretty happy with the update that came out. However being an on-line game I definatly havea few gripes about it. Not with the game but the fanbase.

People are a bunch of fucking babies. Every weapon is considered cheap by someone there has not been one match where somebody didn't complain about a weapon and then leave (which makes it boring). Some people have even sold the game because, get this (names have been removed from ranked matches) meaning you don't know who's host (host has a small advantage).

But another thing I don't get is that some ps3 fanboys have turned their back to capcom, sold their capcom games and refuse to buy capcom games because why? some games there were originally ps3 exclusive are going multi-platofrm. Meaning they can still play it, but so can people on other systems.

Are people seriously that shallow? Is it possible to to attach your ego to something so rediculous and meaningless to the point where if someone insults it or has a difference about it you flip out? Other people that fit this description of music fans. Everybody knows someone that if you bad mouth their band (ICP and system of a down come to miund) they flip out and want to kill you.

People are a bunch of babies.

But despite all this. Gears of war is still fun. Also Good pall Brian Bates has gotten the green light for us to make the gears of war commercial we always wanted to make. Fucking sweet.

So I made a grand discovery about myself. I need other people to get ahead in life. And I'm not just talking for conversation or good times. I mean artistically and maybe financially. Here's what I mean. When I'm alone and writing a story I can't thin of anything. However when I work with my friends on a co-op projeect I go full force, pull ideas out of no where and overall feel a lot more motivated and happy then by myself.

With this knowledge, maybe writing isn't for me, but maybe a whole load of Subjects. I think I'll keep in touch with Hunter and Brian a lot more now.

Well My good Virgo pal Brian and I got into talking about our signs and I got curious about my sign and checked it out. here's what I found. (I'm an aquarius by the way)



* LIKES Fighting for Causes
* Dreaming and Planning for the Future
* Thinking of the Past
* Good Companions
* Having Fun

* DISLIKES Full of Air Promises
* Excessive Loneliness
* The Ordinary
* Imitations
* Idealistic

That pretty much sums up most of how I am (and then some) and here's what it says about my health problems:

As Aquarius is said to govern the legs from knees to ankles and the circulation of blood, its natives are susceptible to ailments particularly in the legs and ankles, such as cramps, and are also liable to spasmodic and nervous complaints, as well as wind, catarrh, diarrhea, dropsy, goiter and delirium tremens - so that the avoidance of alcohol is important for those Aquarians who have a taste for it.

Diarreah!...DIAREAH I've been havig it it for a whole ton of my life. The rest can only be true! But I also never found myself to drink or plan to drink so I guess I'm safe in that department. Take that universe. (oh yeah and my planet is Uranus :[)

But recently I've become more concerned with my mind. I've been finding myself meditating. And no not like the buddists with the beads in an indian style sitting fasion. But I've been thinking a lot more and trying to approach things from new angles and solidifying my philosophies. And I have to say I've been a lot happier because of it. Most people consider partying or getting together with friends brings true happiness. Though it does make me happy I do not consider it true happiness.

I've been striving more for an inner peace so that even when I'm alone I can feel at ease with little to no tension at all from anything at all. It has cost me plenty of things, but I know that I have something most people have overlookedand would probably kill for. They say that nobody knows you better than you, howeve they also say you don't know yourself. I aim to bridge this gap through a series of little tests I give myself. Such as I went a full day without eating anything and I made mental notes of how it affected me in both the physical and mental state. I have purposefully embarressed myself sometimes in an effort to see how I react and feel during and after the event. It may seem silly but everytime I do I learn something about myself.

People don't enjoy suffering, that's a myth of life. People do infact enjoy suffering. It's from suffering that we learn the most about ourselves and others. It is from suffering that we forge our resolutions, ideals and philosophies.

I whole-heartedly believe that people can find inner peace with themselves thorugh personal experience and not through religion. I feel religion distracts you from becoming that complete person.

What does it take to be a complete person you ask? (if you're still reading)

I find that in order to become a complete person you have to go through the good and the bad. People need bad things to happen to them just as much as they need good. And the only way to get to either good or bad is to go through the other.

Example: say you have to study for a test that's due tommorow. However your frinds have invited you to a party. You can tae the good which is go to the party, but then you'll get the bad which means you'll fail the test. Or you can take the bad of isolation and missing out on a great time to study and take the good which is getting a good grade on the test.

The othe part is that it is possible to obtain so much light that you go into darkness and vise versa. Such as a Girl who always gets everything she wants and dooesn't have a care in the world. And then at the peak of Lightness where she's happy because of all she has will soon become bored, stupid and unknowledgefull given her lifestyle and decend into darkness. Or a man who has isolated himself from the world in a dark cave will feel low and depressed and scared, but eventually he will become comfortable with the darkness and become aquainted with it and eventually accept it and come to like it.

It's a constant cycle that people go through. Evil and good are permanently intertwined. People should not be afriad of evil and they should not accept everything good. If they fear evil then they decent into evil, if they constantly accept good then they are cheating themselves and running away from themselves.

This of course is only the tip of my philosophy. It is not complete however. Philosophies should never be in the catagory "complete" philosophy should constantly be changing. that is how you know life is going well, because in order for a philosophy to change you need a simulus. And the stimulus comes from personal expierence. It's what remind you, that you are still human and it always brings you one step closer to finding out who you are.

If you have questions or comments or are just interested about this idea don't hesitate to ask.

Man this is way to sureal.

Anyway it starts off at around night time, the clock has numbers but I can't identify them (probably because it's a dream, like in that batman episode). I'm an old man. probably around 70/80 years old. I don't see myself but I know I'm old. The only sorce of light is the clocks green light. I feel the need to get out of my bed (I'm alone by the way) and walk into my living room which is right across from my bed room. I get up with little trouble and walk out the door. I stop for a second though and look down the hallways. Nothing but darkness but thanks to some light from a streetlight outside I can see some of the wooden floor boards glistening by the window on the left. The right side though remains stale.

I ignoreforget all about that and continue going to the living room. And to my surprise I find somebody sitting in a flower patterned chair. It's a very bright white figure. Like a ghost only it's body is much whiter and has a bit of a glow. Much like a very dim florecent light bulb only more whiter. Yet the room is still dark and there is no body detail such as jaw lines or brow It's slumped over resting it's arms on it's legs letting them hang between them while just hanging it's head like it's in time-out. I say it because there is no clear distinction wether it's a man or woman. I'm not afriad though, on the contrary I want to observe this "thing". I sit across from it and try to say something. But I can't. I just can't say anything. It seems wrong that I should say something. However it then picks up it's head and looks at me. It's eyes are nearly black. However the left eye has a thin white vertical line and the right has a thin white horizantal line.

It remains silent, and unmoving. However I feel a connection with it. I feel like I've made a new friend. However the more I look at it it seems to be mad at me, yet not violent mad. like I just dropped it's food. It also looks at me with a bit of sympathy and pity. Then it seemed as though ten years went by without me knowing. I just feel that I'm somehow different. I look outside to find that nothing has changed though. Was it a simple trick that this thing did. I look back at it only this time it's standing and it's about two ehads taller than I am. I feel a bit scared, but more relieved that I know more about it. However somethings different. It's eyes are no longer vertical or horizantal lines but have now each changed into a motion picture. I can see people laughing in one eye and in the other somebody doing something, I can't tell what ti is. But then I feel an incredable overwhelming uneasyness. Like stage fright. then I realize it was me in those eyes. It was showing things that I have done and regretted and things I have not done and regretted.

I then get angry at it. How dare it show me this, or worse yet how dare it have my memories and dig up the past. But then it mouth splits with the grace of breaking a cracker in half and just screams(kind of like the wretches in gears of war). Not at me however. It's just screaming for the sake of screaming. It sounds like metal grinding against metal and feels like it's melting my bones. I can't cover my ears though. Somethings stopping me. But the I finally fall down.

And the dream ends there.

Freak eh?

You know the more I think about. I really wonder how many friends I have that would take a bullet for me.

The list is short. But by golly it's one of the best lists ever.

Du du du du du du du du Deet deeeert neener nwwrreeeeeeeeeeeer nu nu nu nu nu dun dah dat dah duna duna duna nuuun nun nuun na.

Sometimes when you think you're doing the right thing the whole thing just backfires into your face. My only hope is that things all work out for the bets which I'm sure they will, however That feeling of doubt has now been put out into the playing field and it's something I feel is really not needed.

Sometimes people forget about the intentions and only look at the results. And I'm guilty of the exact same thing.

When you spend over half an hour trying to get past a 3 minute part in gears of war.

We took it to the street. Well you did I went the safe route and took the building.

Fuck. It's cold.

Well I finished up my first poem for creative writing. I'll post the finished piece and the unfinished piece when I have both in my hands.

Today was fun though. Brian and I played Gears of War for a few hours (On insane mode) and that was pretty fun. The poor guy though. He seems to be having relationship problems beyond his control and he didn't even start any of them. That combined with his living situation that he wants to get away from, school and a job that pays well it's just piling up onnthe poor guy. I would like for him to move in to my house. My parents wouldn't mind but I think he is unsure of himself. "But Joe" you ask "Why would you want to have him move in and why would he want to move in?" Well, you prying dickweed, I'll list some good/bad reasons.

For me:
Good reasons:

1: free X-box 360 and X-box live

2:Someone I consider close is close to me.

3: motivation in school (like hell he'd see me as a lazy bum)

4: flat out fun once in a while, the kid loves to talk I tell ya.

Bad:

1: limited space, plus when he has his girlfriend over it may be a bit awkward if they want to stay, though I wouldn't mind giving up my room (no matter how stupid it is)

2: bed situations, we'll have to keep switching who gets the bed and we may have to wake up at different times which may be bad.

3: he requires food: As does any human being but he better not touch my damn soup.

4 Choo choo lungs: but that's more of a joke reason.


Good for him

1: some place to stay where he has no curfew

2: free Wii (when I get it)

3: My Parents like him.

4: Fooderz

5: closer to most places he goes to (ork school)

and whatever else I have that also applies to him.

Bad
1: girl friend situation I mentioned

2: space I mentioned

3: basically same as myself including some of his own personal deals.

But overall I think I could work out, we did with with two other people already. But I think he's just afriad that I'll find something out about him he doesn't want anybody knowing about. But frankly, though I have the same fear I don't mind. That's what pals are for, Keeping secrets with one another. PLus nothing scares me anymore.

Well it's been an exciting past month. New years day was fun, sure many people I invited didn't show up, but the people that did show up had a great time and nothing went wrong. This is great considering two people I know didn't care for eachothers company. Unfortunatly only two people (Brian and Heather(not miller) stayed)

And afterwards I was told it was a great success. However not all was peaches and cream. Diane and I did have a misunderstanding about new years which really upset us both. Apparently she felt that she was at the botto of the list on my intives and I thought she was throwing away her party to come to mine. It didn't sit right with either of us. But in the end it all worked out. We just sat down and talked about anything we could think about. It turns out she's actually taking a teachers test in Febuary to which I had no knowledge of. I'm proud of her, I thought she threw away her entire college carear. But also she did seem to eb happy with James which did surprise me. And I'll support her all the way, we've been pals a long time and she was just sad we didn't hang out like we used to. I still feel it was mostly because I felt so negetive about her and what I thought she was that we never got a chance to just sit down and have a talk. But thankfully all worked out.

but in more recent news. (about this week) myself and a few pals have been gathering at Jackies house to have fun. Mostly because she feels lonely and hasn't been doing to well. But I think it seems to be working out, she seems to have calmed down from what I can tell. I still remember that time at Randies. It was a pretty awful site to see. All I or anyone could really do was wait for it to stop. It's a pretty awful feeling, the feeling of powerlessness to help someone you really want to help. And what's worse is she feels worse for having them. Quite a tough thing to handle on both ends of the stick wouldn't you say? However with these visits it does make her feel better and seems to distract her from this problem. from my own view I think it's really her being afriad to being alone. I know her and my pal Ed (who she dates)have been having some problems in the past (Mostly because was from accidental eves dropping when we walked into her house and when Ed leaves the den at Randies to go talk to her).

And poor Ed, I love the guy, we may not be best of friends but I still consider him my pal, but he hasn't said a word. In that sense he and I are very much alike as in we don't like to talk much about what's going on personally. It is a very hard thing to do so I can't be angry at him. I just hope things work out for them, they are a very nice couple and I do want to see them happy, but I guess that's just me and my sense of being lonely, can't remember the last time I went ona date, but I can surely tell you all the things that wen't wrong in my past with woman. Oi a long and winding road. I could go on and on, but I think I'll save that for another time.

However not everything is dark like that. I'm still an optimistic person, I still have my friends, Frankly I think Jackie's happier that we visit and that Her and I talk (be it non-sense or whatever's going down) I still find myself to be a happy person, everything my not be going the way I would like it to go, but who knows what will come next. I've been feeling happier, along with these visits with Jackie I myself get to hang out with my friends and have a great time with. And I still have to tahnk Brain, the Brian Bates, Probably the first person I would consider my very close friend.

peace guys till next month (or two)

Work is fantastic. It feels like I'm getting payed to have a good time. However Hell week is coming up and I vollunteered to work from 8Am to 3Am :o/ But of course that will fill my pocket with so much money I will fart diamonds.

Marine science class today was a weird one. I had never seen so many kids lose respect for a teacher like that ever. Story? sure.

If you've been in public school and have taken a science class, you have most definatly played Jeopardy for studying. Well we did just that today and all was going well. However during the game (near the end) the teacher went around to all the tables , crumpled them, threw them out and ripped up all the notes the kids had taken from jeopardy (meaning a question was asked and answered and the students would write the information down). in short she was a total bitch about it, then to add insult to injury (since a lot of my class mates were pretty tee'd off) I asked her we could have taken notes (since you'd think that would help) and she nearly bit my head off telling me she had told everybody "no notes".

1: that is a total dick move on her part.

2: it not only hurts the students but the instructor as well seeing as how the kids don't even like her anymore after this.

And she told me through an E-mail that she cared about the student-teacher relationship. Bullshit is what it was.

Not that it matters no way I'm getting above a D in marine science. I never knew a passion of mine would turn to angst within a semester.

But other than that all is well I suppose.

Well since the last thing I wrote was about the jo it'll be the first thing I write about.

The job is fantastic. I always said I can et past a crappy job if I have good people. Well I'm only half right. The job is simple as hell and the people there are friendly and constantly flinging jokes at one another. Note: they're all italian and related. So esentially I'm part of a family run business. The only thing I'm concerned about is they might not need me any more. Just hope it doesn't come to that.

2nd. Stage combat got a little rough when I pissed of my partner (some one you don't want to make angry) however we had a small talk and now everythings cool. Doesn't sound like much but to me it really is. I never thought I would be able to make such a connection with someone in college like that. It's probably better than it is with some of my regular friends :/ But that's the beauty part. I feel as though I'm much more open than I was before college with family and friends.

3rd: buddies are all coming back, this is going to be a great time.

4th: marine science may not be as bad as I thought it was :o) I actually talked with the teacher about a problem I had with the class and she seemed more than willing to listen. And I originally thought she was just cold, looks like I was wrong.

Speaking of teachers I just might get back together with my old teacher Mr.Cicale and my brothers girlfriend Cathrine for a short while. THis is totally radical dude I havn't seen this man in years and he was one of my favorite teachers.

Now all I need to get (well want would be a more appropriate word) is a Wii for fun! but I might not get it for a while.